Low self-esteem: where it comes from and how to raise it gently

Low self-esteem is not a trait you are born with, and it is not a life sentence. It is a set of beliefs about yourself that took shape over the years: “I am not good enough”, “other people are better”, “love has to be earned”. These beliefs feel like the truth, but they are only conclusions, often drawn long ago and from incomplete evidence. And conclusions can be revised.

Where low self-esteem comes from

Self-esteem usually takes shape in childhood, from what we heard from family, teachers and other children. Common roots include:

• Constant criticism or comparison with others, love that had to be earned with good marks and good behaviour.
• Bullying at school, being left out.
• Very high standards, your own or your family’s, where anything short of perfect counts as failure.
• Hard events in adult life: a break-up, losing a job, illness, moving to another country.

Temperament plays a part too: some people notice the negative more readily from the start, or are harder on themselves.

How it shows up

• An inner critic. A voice that comments on every mistake: “here we go again”, “you don’t deserve this”. Many people hear it so often that they take it for their own opinion.
• People-pleasing. Saying “no” is hard, any request of your own feels awkward, and there is a fear that if you disappoint someone, they will leave.
• Comparing. Other people seem more successful, more attractive, more confident, especially on social media, where you only see their best moments.
• Brushing off praise and success: “it was just luck”, “anyone could have done it”.
• Avoiding new and difficult things, so as not to fail.

Over time, low self-esteem can make depression and anxiety more likely. A large review of long-term studies found that low self-esteem tends to come before depression more often than the other way round.

Healthy self-esteem and humility

Some people are wary of working on their self-esteem because they do not want to become arrogant. But healthy self-esteem and humility do not contradict each other. Humility means seeing yourself realistically, accepting your limits and respecting others. Low self-esteem is a constant feeling that you are worse than others and that your needs do not matter.

A humble person can simply say “thank you” to praise. Someone with low self-esteem is more likely to argue with it, or feel awkward and change the subject.

Healthy self-esteem does not sound like “I am the best”. It sounds like “I am worth something as I am, and I can grow”. A person with steady self-esteem can admit a mistake calmly, because a mistake does not cancel their worth. Loud arrogance, on the other hand, is sometimes a shield for fragile self-esteem.

How to raise your self-esteem

Self-esteem does not grow from affirmations in front of the mirror. It grows from a new way of treating yourself and from new experience. Here is what I use in my work.

• Catch the critic. Write down the self-critical thoughts that come up during the day. Next to each one, write what you would say to a good friend in the same situation. In cognitive behavioural therapy, this is how we begin to test old beliefs.
• Gather evidence. Old beliefs overlook the facts that contradict them. Every evening, write down three things you did, coped with or tried, however small. After a few weeks, read the list again.
• Self-compassion. Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love: with support, not reproach. Research shows that programmes which build self-compassion reduce self-criticism, anxiety and depression.
• Small steps beyond the familiar. Once a week, say “no” to a request you do not want to take on. Share your opinion in a meeting. Each step like this is an experiment that tests the old belief.
• Look after your body. Sleep, movement and regular meals may seem like small things, but when we are tired the critic’s voice gets louder. Caring for yourself in simple ways already says: “I matter too”.
• Less comparing. Notice which accounts and situations leave you feeling worse, and cut back on them.
• Supportive people. Spend more time with people you can easily be yourself with.

When therapy helps

If the inner critic will not quiet down, if fear of rejection affects your relationships and work, or if low self-esteem comes with low mood and anxiety, it is worth working with a specialist. CBT programmes designed specifically for low self-esteem show encouraging results in research. In therapy we often discover that the critic’s voice once belonged to someone else, and then it becomes possible to answer it.

Self-esteem is closely tied to how we build relationships. On this site you can take the AAQ attachment questionnaire: it shows how you tend to get close to others and what you fear in relationships. The 5PFQ five-factor personality questionnaire can help you look at your traits more calmly, without labels like “good” and “bad”. The tests are not a diagnosis, but they are a good way to start a conversation. If you would like to talk it over, book a free 15-minute intro call. I work online and in person in Yerevan, in Armenian or Russian.