Grief after losing someone close: what is normal and what helps

The death of someone close changes everything: the shape of your day, your sense of who you are, even the silence in the house. Grief is not an illness, and it is not a mistake to be corrected. It is the price of love, and everyone goes through it in their own way. Here I want to talk about what is normal in grief, when it can turn into something that needs help, and what helps.

What is normal in grief

• Grief comes in waves. For a few hours or days things may feel almost calm, and then a smell, a song or a date brings it all back with full force. Researchers describe this as moving back and forth: turning towards the loss, then towards everyday life, and both are needed.
• Feelings can be very mixed: longing, tears, anger, guilt, relief after a long illness, numbness. Each of them is allowed.
• The body grieves too: sleep is disrupted, appetite goes, tiredness sets in, and there may be a heaviness in the chest.
• It is hard to concentrate, thoughts scatter and you forget things. In the first months this is very common.

Many people have heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross put forward this scheme while describing the experiences of seriously ill people facing their own death. The model became hugely popular, but research does not confirm that grief moves through these stages in order. Feelings come in any combination, return and blend together. If your grief does not “follow the book”, that is normal.

Rituals as support

In Armenian tradition, mourning has its own rhythm: the seventh day (yot), the fortieth day (karasunk) and the anniversary (tarelits). On these days the family gathers, remembers the person who died, shares a memorial meal and visits the grave. Rituals give what is so often missing in grief: a clear order of things, people nearby and permission to talk about the one who died. Some studies have found that rituals help people cope with loss.

But sometimes rituals turn into a heavy duty, or after the fortieth day the people around you expect that you “should be over it by now”. Grief does not end on a set date. You can also create small rituals of your own: write a letter to the person who died, cook their favourite dish on their birthday, walk a route you used to share.

When grief does not ease or turns into depression

For most people the sharp pain softens over time: the loss stays, but room for life opens up beside it again. For roughly one in ten bereaved people, grief does not ease and keeps getting in the way of living. The International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11) now includes a diagnosis for this: prolonged grief disorder. It is considered only when a long time has passed since the death: ICD-11 sets a minimum of six months, and the American DSM-5-TR speaks of at least 12 months for adults. Signs include:

• Intense longing for the person, or constant thoughts about them, nearly every day.
• A feeling that part of you died with them.
• Being unable to accept that the death has happened.
• Emotional numbness, a sense that life has no meaning without them.
• Difficulty getting back to friends, activities and plans.

Cultural norms are taken into account too: what is expected in your family and tradition is not seen as a disorder.

Grief and depression are alike, but they are not the same. In grief the pain is tied to the person who died and comes in waves, with warm memories and even laughter in between. Self-worth usually stays intact. In depression the heaviness is flat and constant, interest in everything fades and thoughts like “I am worth nothing” appear. Depression can also begin after a loss, and then it needs attention in its own right. If you notice signs like these in yourself for more than two weeks, take the PHQ-9 test on this site: it is not a diagnosis and cannot tell grief from depression, but it can show how heavy things are right now.

If you have thoughts of following the person who died or of harming yourself, do not stay alone with them: tell someone close, write to me or call 911.

What helps

• Talk about the person who died. Say their name, remember them, look at photos if you want to.
• Look after the basics: sleep, food, and at least a little movement and daylight.
• Accept practical help, and ask for it.
• If you can, put off big decisions such as moving house or selling a home.
• Do not rush yourself. Grief has no deadline.
• See a therapist if you need to. Not everyone who grieves needs therapy, but when grief stays stuck or turns into depression, grief-focused approaches help, including cognitive behavioural therapy.

How to support someone who is grieving

• Keep it simple: “I’m so sorry. I’m here.” You do not need perfect words.
• Avoid “stay strong”, “time heals”, “at least they’re not suffering” or “you have to move on”.
• Offer something concrete: bring food, pick the children up from school, simply spend time together.
• Talk about the person who died and use their name.
• Remember the hard dates: birthdays, the anniversary, holidays. Call after the fortieth day as well, when things around them go quiet.

Where to start

If it feels too hard to cope alone, or your grief seems “stuck”, book a free 15-minute intro video call. You can come simply for support, without waiting until things get “really bad”. Sessions are online or in person in Yerevan, in Armenian or Russian only.