Couples therapy: when to see a psychologist together and what happens

Almost every couple goes through hard times, and usually people find their own way through. But sometimes it feels as if you are going round in circles, and every conversation ends where it started. Here is when it is worth seeing a couples psychologist, what usually happens in sessions and when joint work is not the right choice.

When it is time to get help

Some signs suggest that your own efforts are no longer enough:

• The same fights. The trigger is new each time, but the script is the same: blame, hurt, a few days of coldness.
• Silence. You hardly talk about anything important, because any conversation might turn into a row, or you live side by side like flatmates.
• Broken trust after an affair or a lie. One of you wants to stay together but cannot stop checking and remembering, and the other does not know how to rebuild trust.
• A new baby. Studies that followed couples over many years show that, for many parents, satisfaction with the relationship drops noticeably after the first child is born. It is a common stage, and easier to get through when you talk about it.
• A move. A new country, different speeds of settling in. Often one partner quickly finds work and friends while the other is left alone with everything new, and tension builds.
• You are thinking about separating but are not sure. A psychologist can help you work out what you want, or, if the decision is made, part with less pain, especially when there are children.

The sooner a couple comes, the less hurt has built up and the easier it is to find common ground.

What happens in couples sessions

Usually you both come to the first session. The psychologist asks what has brought you now, what is good between you and what hurts. Often each partner also has a chance to talk to the psychologist alone, to say what is hard to say in front of the other. What stays private is agreed in advance.

Then the couple and the psychologist set a goal together. Not “for him (or her) to change”, but, for example, “to argue without insults” or “to decide how we live after the move”. In sessions you notice the repeating cycle: who says what, what each of you feels and how the other responds. You practise speaking about your own feelings and requests rather than your partner’s mistakes. There may be small tasks between sessions.

Research shows that couples therapy helps many couples. In a review of nearly 60 studies, couples who had therapy showed clear improvements in relationship satisfaction, communication and closeness, and on the whole these changes lasted after therapy ended. But there are no guarantees: a lot depends on whether both of you are ready to change something.

The psychologist is not a judge

Many people fear the psychologist will take sides or name who is to blame. A good specialist does not. Their job is not to decide who is right, but to help each of you be heard and to understand what is happening between you.

Being neutral does not mean staying silent, though. If one partner interrupts, belittles or humiliates the other, the psychologist will stop it. And if there is violence, they will say clearly that it is not acceptable. More on that below.

Together or on your own

Sometimes only one partner is ready to come. That is no reason to wait. When one person changes, the pattern of the relationship often changes too: you react differently in a familiar fight, speak more clearly about your boundaries and get pulled into the old cycle less often.

In my own practice I work with couples as well as individuals. You can come together, to the office in Yerevan or by video, and one of you books the session. And if only you are ready for now, come on your own: people very often come to me with relationship difficulties. We look at where your patterns come from, what you feel in a conflict and what you really want.

Couples therapy online

Video sessions can work for couples too, especially if you live in different cities, work long hours or find childcare hard to arrange. A few practical tips:

• Sit side by side in front of one screen so the psychologist can see you both. If you are in different places, each of you joins from your own device.
• Make sure the children cannot hear: send them out for a walk with a grandparent or choose a time when they are asleep.
• Agree not to carry on the argument straight after the session.

When joint therapy is not right

If there is violence in the relationship, whether physical, sexual or psychological, joint sessions are not suitable. Violence is not a communication problem that both partners share: responsibility for it lies with the person who uses it. In a joint session the person being hurt may be afraid to speak honestly, and the danger may grow afterwards. That is why organisations that support people in this situation advise against going to counselling together with an abusive partner.

Take it seriously if you are afraid of your partner’s reactions, if they control your money, your phone or who you see, or if they threaten, humiliate or hurt you. Then your safety comes first. Individual work with a psychologist can help you understand what is happening, plan for your safety and find support. I worked for nine years with survivors of violence, and I know how hard it can be to say it out loud.

If you or your children are in danger right now, call 911.

Where to start

If you would like to understand yourself better in close relationships, try the free Adult Attachment Questionnaire (AAQ) on this site. It shows how you tend to behave in closeness: whether you reach out, worry or keep your distance. It is not a diagnosis, but a good starting point for a conversation.

And if you are not sure where to begin, book a free 15-minute intro video call with me. Tell me briefly what is happening, and I will say honestly how I can help and when it is better to see a couples therapist. My sessions are held in Armenian or Russian only, online from any country or in person in Yerevan.